[Summary:]

Ryan_saint:

Work Virus, becarefull 

Summary:
Email claims that there is a new virus called "work" that can cause your social life to be deleted as well as result in your brain ceasing to function properly.

Quote

VIRUS WARNING
This virus warning is genuine.

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

Commentary:

Quote

At first I thought that this was just a joke,  …..then I realized I may actually have this virus!! Sorry, can't write anymore. I'm off to the pub to start drinking  the cure for this virus ASAP. And I think I'll actually repeat the stated action TWENTY times  . You can't be too careful, you know (hic). 

PS: I think "Scooby Doo" WAS the greatest cartoon ever!!

        

[News From Japan - Update on Banking Crisis]

Ryan_saint:

News From Japan - Update on Banking Crisis

Summary:
Email claims that several Japanese banks, including the "Origami Bank", the "Sumo Bank" and the "Bonsai Bank" are experiencing major difficulties due to the US sub-prime lending crisis

Quote

Update on Banking crisis... news from Japan

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Commentary:

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Origami Bank
Has the "Origami Bank" really folded?
Most readers will immediately realize that the above emailed "news" item is intended solely to amuse. In a clever play on words, the unidentified author of the piece laments the worsening status of several (entirely fictitious) Japanese banks as a result of the current world economic crisis flowing on from the US sub prime lending disaster.

Surprisingly however, several people have emailed me to ask if the information in the message is true, hence its inclusion on these pages.

Presumably, those who are not familiar with the meanings of the words used as bank names in the message are those that do not "get" the joke.

If you are one of the people scratching their heads trying to see the funny side, here are a couple of hints. "Origami" is the ancient Japanese art of paper folding, so saying that the "Origami Bank" has FOLDED, is an amusing play on words. Japanese Sumo wrestlers are characterized by their very large bellies, hence the reference to the "Sumo Bank" going BELLY UP. All the other bank names have similar double meanings.

A dictionary or some quick googling should help with the rest of the "bank names".

[Power Line Virus (Joke)]

Ryan_saint:

Power Line Virus (Joke)

Summary:
Email warns about a damaging virus that travels through power lines


Quote

Subj: VIRUS ALERT Status: PUBLIC MESSAGE

Warning: There's a new virus on the loose that's worse than anything I've seen before! It gets in through the power line, riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction one's disks spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy, West Dakota, alone! And that's just in the last 12 minutes.

It attacks DOS, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac, RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, and VHS systems.

To prevent the spread of the worm:

1) Don't use the powerline.
2) Don't use batteries either, since there are rumours that this virus has invaded most major battery plants, and is infecting the positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just the negative pole.)

3) Don't upload or delete or download files.

4) Don't store files on floppy disks or hard disks.

5) Don't read messages. No, not even this one!

6) Don't use serial ports, toasters, modems, or phone lines.

7) Don't use keyboards, screens, electric toothbrushes, or printers.

Don't use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or mainframes.

9) Don't use electric lights, electric or gas heat, or airconditioning, running water, vibrators, writing, fire, clothing, or the wheel.

I'm sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic fluids of our computers can be kept pure.

Commentary:
Quote

This rather harmless email forward is designed to make fun of the dire virus hoaxes that often circulate. Perhaps if recipients get a laugh out of reading this satirical "Virus Alert" email, they will be less likely to believe and forward the next "serious" virus hoax that crosses their inboxes.

Unfortunately, if past experience is anything to go by, some will afford the email only the most cursory of examinations before forwarding it to all in their address book in the belief that it is a legitimate warning.

Any virus warning that arrives via email should ideally be verified at a reputable anti-virus or anti-hoax website before being forwarded to others.

[Warning To All Dog Owners]

Ryan_saint:

Warning To All Dog Owners

Subject: FW: ***WARNING*** TO ALL DOG OWNERS!!!!!

Quote

WARNING TO ALL DOG OWNERS

Warning to all dog owners: Watch your dog!

The State Highway Patrol in conjunction with the FBI has issued a warning advising all dog owners to keep their dogs indoors until further notice. Dogs are being picked off one at a time on an almost continual basis throughout the city. They are falling in great numbers. Police in the city advise all dog owners not to walk their dogs - KEEP THEM INDOORS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!

Commentary:
I'm writing this in a hurry while my owner, Chancy the Wonder Cat is outside. A lot of dogs live in my street, and I don't want her getting any ideas…

[Billy Evans Mock Charity Hoax]

Ryan_saint:

Billy Evans Mock Charity Hoax

Summary:

This joke email pokes fun at the seemingly endless series of absurd charity hoaxes that darken inboxes the world over

Quote

My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy.
My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.

The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance.

I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, " Don't cry, Mommy and " and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, Even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates Will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better.

Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.

Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell.

What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freaking' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me.

I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You,
Billy " Smiles " Evans

Commentary:
This joke satirizes the senseless series of silly email hoaxes that claim a particular email is being tracked and that a given company will donate money every time a message is forwarded.

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